Huh. Apparently Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father. I will be damned.

That most sacred time of year for all of god’s nerd critters, Dragon*Con, will soon be here. No doubt you’ve been getting ready, gathering costumes, stocking up on Vitamin C and taking out various payday loans to cover your expenses.

Nothing says “Dragon*Con is almost here!” like the annual progress report. If you’ve got your membership badges, you’ve probably received yours in the mail. I have flipped through it and I’m already writing up a list of things that interest me that I probably won’t be able to attend because I spent half my weekend waiting for the George Takei panel.

However there are a few other folks not named George Takei who also will be there, according to my progress report. There will be some interesting panels. There will be a lot of things I’ll avoid like it’s a raging dumpster fire.

Notable findings from the progress report:

– Aquarium night, Aug. 31. This sounds like a blast, but it probably scares the hell out of the fish.

– Star Wars panels apparently will include lots of whining about Disney. First of all, Disney isn’t just mouse ears and a theme park with annoying music. It’s a massive death star of a company with numerous subsidiaries that have nothing to do with “Fantasia.” George Lucas was a pioneering filmmaker when he made the original “Star Wars,” but he was clearly phoning it in when he made the prequels. My favorite line from the prequels is when Anakin says, “Love won’t save you, Padme. Only my new powers can do that.” That’s either the best bit of dialogue since “To be or not to be” or the worst bit of dialogue since “Total Recall.”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91dW9pUA1BI&w=420&h=315]

What we need is Star Wars confessional. George Lucas did not set the bar so high that a competent director couldn’t jump it.

– The vendor space will be bigger. That’s great, because I am really tired of bumping into people I have worked diligently to avoid. Then you have that awkward moment where you’re all like, “How are you?” and they’re all like, “Oh, I’m doing good. I noticed you unfriended me. Did I do something wrong?” and you’re all like “Well, it’s about time to be hitting that old dusty trail. I’ll drop you a line.” and then you fake a seizure so the crowd will part for your hasty exit. Adding 20 percent more space will mean 20 percent more chances to get far, far away from your ex-girlfriends, former coven members or your parents.

– Not really so deep discounts. “Have you always wanted to fly to Dragon*Con but the airfares were slightly out of budget?” The con has partnered with Delta Airlines for a 5 to 10 percent discount on eligible fares. Emphasis on the word “slightly,” I guess.

That’s just a glance. I definitely want to hit up some writing workshops. I’m going to make it my goal not to sit cross-legged on the floor while I wait for Star Trek celebrity panels. No promises.