Guest column: Please donate to Decaturish so I won’t starve
Dear Decaturish.com readers,
When my owner, Dan Whisenhunt, sat down to write his fundraising pitch, I tried to offer him some advice.
I jumped on top of his keyboard and sat on his hands until he lost all circulation in his fingers. I looked at him with my sad, manipulative eyes and I said, “Hey Dan, did you tell them you had a cat?”
He responded by locking me outside of the room for about an hour. So today I couldn’t help but smile when I heard him talking about the sluggish response to his fundraising pitch, which should’ve been set to the tune of a thousand tiny violins.
When will you internet beggars learn? The only things people will consistently support on the internet are pictures and/or videos of critters like this guy, right here:
Yeah, I’m pretty awesome. Here’s another thing about me that might interest you. In addition to oxygen, I also need food to live. Now I know I should be this primitive feral hunter, rarr rarr, all that, but I unfortunately was deprived of my testicles at a very early age. If I had a voice, I would sound a little bit like Varys in “Game of Thrones.”
Except, I lost my manhood to a veterinarian which is actually not all that different from an evil dong-cutting wizard, as far as cats are concerned. I suppose I should hold it against Dan for taking me to the veterinarian that fateful day, telling me we were going out for ice cream until I finally woke up three hours later with large portions of my kittenhood erased from my memory.
But the truth is, on the whole he’s been an all right dude.
He lets me sleep in the bed, he scratches behind my ears and he even dropped an obscene amount of money on me at the vet once because he thought I had kidney problems. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was just sick from lapping up a bunch of Sweetwater 420 after I knocked his beer mug off the coffee table. I mean, he was already pretty pissed when he saw that mess.
Dan’s got my back. And you know what? There are other writers out there with cats just like me (and you do like cats). Dan’s trying to get a little something going for them so that their cats will never have to go a second without food covering the entire bottom of their bowl, no spaces, or I knock the water over again.
People ask you to donate money for all kinds of crazy bullshit. Some causes are more deserving than others, and Dan wouldn’t tell you that Decaturish is more important than the homeless or war orphans. You should definitely donate as your conscience dictates.
But c’mon, gang. He’s busting his ass to get you the news and he’s got a hungry mouth to feed, namely mine. I would tell him to go out and find a real job, but the idea of him being at home more holds a certain appeal for me.
So you’ve heard Dan’s pitch, now let me give you mine. Dan has a fundraising drive going on. He’s trying to get through the initial start up costs of getting Decaturish off the ground the right way. Any donation is appreciated, but he’ll give you or your company placement on the homepage of Decaturish.com if you give a little more. Donations of $100 or more get placement on the home page for three months, donations of $500 or more get six months and donations of $800 or more get a full year. He’ll also throw in a sweet-ass coffee mug for your cat to knock over.
To donate, you just click that nifty blue button in the upper right hand side of your screen that says “Like what you see? Make a donation.” The good folks at PayPal will take care of you from there.
Still not convinced? Why not? It makes purrrfect sense. Like that? Yeah, you know you like it.
Please help this guy out so he can keep bringing you news (and keep bringing me meals) for years to come.
Donovan Whisenhunt, aka Bunny, Bunnifer, Sir Bunnyman Cuteface III, Turkey Bunny, Moosley Choops, Kind Bubba.