Intersections – MILF am I

Posted by Decaturish.com July 16, 2014
Nicki

Nicki Salcedo

By Nicki Salcedo

We should talk to our kids about sex. We should talk to ourselves about sex every year we further settled into our skin.

Men like me. I used to think this was because of my knowledge of baseball and my love of Star Trek. But it’s really my “I don’t give a rat’s ass” attitude. I don’t rise to the bait. I don’t demure. I don’t take to heart all the silliness in the world that is someone else’s insecurities. Most of all, I don’t take any of it seriously. Maybe that will change one day. I’m not 42 yet.

I get hit on in the strangest places. One day, I took my visiting in-laws on a walk through Little Five Points. I pushed a stroller with my oldest child inside. A man called out to me.

“Can I get your number?” he asked. He was a normal looking guy, not indigent or insane.

“These are my in-laws. I probably shouldn’t give you my number,” I answered.

He looked at my mother and father-in-law. He looked at the baby in the stroller. “Your husband won’t mind,” he said. I declined again. He told me I had a pretty smile and walked away.

Another day I was shopping in Whole Foods, and a young man stood next to me. He was a white hipster dude. I could tell he was watching me despite my four kids running wild around my shopping cart.

“Have you tried the turkey meatloaf?” He asked. Best pickup line ever. I had tried the turkey meatloaf. It is my favorite.

“Can I call you sometime?” he asked.

I looked at the kids and then him. “I have my hands full as it is,” I told him. That was the truth. I can’t really handle four kids and a job and a writing career and a husband AND a boyfriend. Really? What would the cat think?

I’m not pretty by the conventional standards. With makeup, I look nice. Without makeup I look like Michael Jackson in the Thriller video. I’ve got kids and a grumpy attitude. My weight and physical health could be improved. I’ve got both the muffin top and bottom.

And I still have it going on.

I’m looking forward to birthdays like 40 and 42. I hear retirement homes are hot beds of hedonism. All that free time and hot sex, followed by an ice cream social at 3 p.m. Sign. Me. Up. Why would I worry about 42 when I’ve got big plans for 82?

I don’t think anyone gets into bed and says, “I’m going to have 39 year-old-style sex tonight.” That would be a little Depeche Mode mixed with New Edition twirled with Silver Spoons and a splash of Facts of Life (before the George Clooney episodes).

Do you know how much sex you have at 20 years old? Zero. Do you know how much sex you have at 42? A lot more than zero. Then I wondered if it was a race or cultural thing. Maybe men of a certain race and demographic just think about sex instead of having it.

In the meantime, I’m waiting to stop being so sexy. My children and in-laws are not enough of a buffer to scare off potential suitors.

I went to a writing group where the other attendees were all child-free and twenty-something. As we were leaving, one of the men asked me how it was being a mother and a writer.

“I’m a proud soccer mom. I don’t let my kids stop me from writing or being MILFy.”

The expression on this kid’s face was priceless. He was shocked. I think he wanted me to talk about balance or discipline or Maya Angelou or Margaret Atwood or Chaucer or Dickens. After that, he only ever asked me about my writing.

I actually caused a little incident at the car wash on Ponce another day. This time, I was wearing make-up and a red dress and had every bit of my work day A-game on. I forgot to not bring my A-game to the car wash. These jokers were fighting to detail my car. The mini-van with the granola bar wrappers and cereal crumbs and four car seats. The men didn’t care.

That’s how sexy my car is. That’s how sexy my life is. And turning 42 isn’t going to change that.

(Author’s note: *MILF – Moms Interesting Lovable and Fierce. But in some other acronyms it is a derogatory term. Like the N word, it should not be used. If you don’t know what it means, don’t look it up online unless you like sexy surprises. Walk away now with only my acronym. Trust me. Don’t Google it. It’s like shooting dinosaurs, y’all. Don’t.)

Nicki Salcedo is a Decatur resident and Atlanta native. She is a novelist, blogger, and a working mom.

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  • Noah Watson

    This was a damn good read!

    • Nicki Salcedo

      I appreciate you stopping by.

  • Jim Dillon

    Demure is an adjective, demur is a verb. From my point of view, a decade further along than you are, I can say that your observation is spot on. And once the kids are old enough to be less in the way, things just get better and better in the bedroom, provided we have taken care of ourselves physically. In many ways, the 20’s are the worst decade. So many insecurities, so many trajectories we’re supposed to establish (career, family)!

    • Nicki Salcedo

      Noted on all points. Have a great day!

  • Wendy Beck

    Love it

    • Nicki Salcedo

      Thanks! MiILFys unite!

  • Alaina

    I love this. I love Nicki. I want to be 1/32 as cool as her when I grow up. And reading this article, chewing it, digesting it, gets me a little bit closer to that. The coolest chick I know. THIS!!!! THIS!!!!!

    • Nicki Salcedo

      Let’s not deal in fractions. And I am never growing up.

  • Brad

    Can I get your number? 🙂

    • Nicki Salcedo

      Thank you for asking. I worry about the day when no one will ask for it anymore. 🙂

  • This is fabulous. I only get old guys hitting on me…but at least they’ve seen it all and know what’s good 🙂 And excellent point about the 20 year olds.

    • Nicki Salcedo

      I would not go back to 20 for anything. I would possibly consider 28.

  • Jenni McQ

    Just one of the many reasons we ALL love you Nicki!

    • Nicki Salcedo

      Because of the dirty mini-van? Wonderful.

  • YouSlayMe

    “It (sic) the meantime, I’m waiting to stop being so sexy.” Your wait is over.

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