Intersections – Game of Nope
By Nicki Salcedo, contributor
I like dragons. I like zombies. I like cyborgs. I like aliens disguised as humans. I like kingdoms of spiders. I even like piranhas in the swimming pool. But I do not like “Game of Thrones.”
Every Monday, I’m bombarded with recaps from the show. I feel like I need to explain this show to the people who’ve never watched it. I feel like I need to provide a support system for those of us who are recovering viewers of the show. For each of you still watching, I can only say this: You have no soul.
Years ago, I walked into Eagle Eye Book Shop and the owner handed me a copy of the book “A Game of Thrones” by George R. R. Martin. I’d been in the store every so often to buy “The Walking Dead” graphic novels. What can I say? I’m a woman of refined taste.
I love a story with a dude on a horse, a good sword fight, and some dragons. I tried to read the book. It wasn’t for me. I’m not complaining against GRRM. Lots of books aren’t for me. “50 Shades of Grey.” That “To Kill a Mockingbird” reboot. I respect any author who puts together a complicated and compelling plot. So when the show came out, I decided to give “Game of Thrones” another try. It couldn’t be worse than the book. Could it?
I made it through the first two seasons, and one day my mother asked me if she should watch “Game of Thrones.” This is my mother. I looked her in the eye and gave a slow-motion volume ten, “Noooo!”
My mom loves “Downton Abbey” and “Dancing with the Stars.” These are the edgiest shows she can handle. When I was a kid, her favorite shows were “Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman” and “Seventh Heaven.” These thoughts rushed through my brain while I was still saying, “Noooo!”
At some point during season two, I needed a cleansing show after “Game of Thrones.” I picked “The Walking Dead.” I used zombies to wash the taste of humans out of my mouth. “Game of Thrones” started ruining everything for me.
I took my kids to “Medieval Times” for a night of fun. The rest of the audience shouted for the Green Knight or the Blue Knight, but as the doors slammed closed I whispered, “The Red Wedding” and began to sob into my royal goblet of margarita.
The night I watched my final episode, I had to watch an episode of “The Walking Dead” and half a season of “Everybody Loves Raymond” before I could go to sleep. Why did I ever think that Marie and Frank were mean? They were so nice. Unlike the House of Bolton.
I was too young to enjoy the water cooler days of “Dallas” and “Dynasty.” I have no idea who shot J.R., but I loved the glory days of “Lost.” Some of my friends have tried to bring me back to GoT. One friend brought over all of the DVDs.
“You have to start watching again,” she said like I hadn’t watched enough misogyny, rape, head squishing, skewering of pregnant ladies, and dog killings. Fine, don’t care about the people. At least care about the dogs. This week even the dogs got their day.
I know what happens in every episode in great detail even though I stopped watching a long time ago. Awesomely Luvvie is a blogger who does a college thesis-like recap each week. Her writing is better than the book and the TV show. Same amount of castration and decapitations, double the laughs. And if you’re smart you should also follow Black Twitter and #DemThrones.
It turns out that I’m not a fan for George R. R. Martin, but I’m fascinated by people’s reaction to his book and TV show.
I’m not even a little tempted to go back to the show because Luvvie’s recaps are so good. She insulates me from the torture. On my final night, just before the Raymond marathon, I witnessed something so awful that I may never recover. Afterward, I realized that I’d rather be at work than watch “Game of Thrones.” That’s how disturbing it is. During the leisure hours of my Sunday evening I realized that I’d rather be at my desk at work. Reconciling 20,000 lines of data in an Excel spreadsheet suddenly sounded like fun. I would rather create a sixty-five-page PowerPoint presentation. I’d rather be at a meeting in Buffalo, New York in 17 inches of snow.
There’s got to be a better way to entertain me. You know what’s scary? The caste system in “Downton Abbey.” Zombies eating innards are always fun, don’t you think? I’m still team Shane. Oh, how I loved that man. Yes, I love Daryl Dixon, too. No doubt. Do you love the torture of zombies or “Game of Thrones?” What disturbs you? Winter is coming, they say. Not for me. I’d rather scrub the floors. I’d rather be surrounded by a kingdom of spiders.
“Intersections,” the book, is a collection of columns from Decaturish.com and beyond. It is now available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Nicki Salcedo is a Decatur resident and Atlanta native. She is a novelist, blogger, and a working mom. Her column, Intersections, runs every Wednesday morning.